Tuesday, April 20, 2010

All Things to All People.

In my experience with submissive girls and women of all ages, I have found certain consistencies. Many had the interest or desire long before they understood it, they did not know where to get reliable information about this and did not know how to find help safely. They did not understand what limits were reasonable, what was expected of them if they planned to submit, or how to ensure their safety in new situations. I also found when I first started looking, that it was very difficult to meet girls with my interests---until I found out that just meeting girls meant I would meet some with my interests. The internet has made things appear easier, but I think, and this experience is borne out when I speak to others, that it has also complicated the matter, allowed for a lot of predation and lies and has not helped make anything safer. I feel my experiences, because they are varied without being inappropriately numerous, might shed some light on these issues. Certainly, as a dominant it is in my vested interest to help these processes along. Since relationships are complicated, you cannot, or choose not, to stay with people just because the D/s is great, I can’t always ask the submissives I have been involved with to contribute to these blogs. Therefore I have also been contacting submissives I can find from various groups I have come across online to offer their suggestions, contributions, help, comments or criticisms. I have had a great many visits to the blogs, and am hopeful as I post more that this will bear fruit. I have been getting some emailed questions and comments which were very thoughtful and inquisitive. I am hopeful that some of them will also ultimately contribute. They are, so far, the youngest and least experienced and that may explain both their inquisitiveness and hesitation. In answer to the mosr common concerns; first, I am a consultant and have nothing to do with the business of D/s. I am not secretly representing any sites nor creating a site to sell D/s gear. After that they were mostly interested in a) am I just doing this to meet submissive girls, or b) was I willing to meet anyone? While I am a human being like anyone, and am always interested in meeting people, the main thrust of this was I am trying to make the kind of blogs I could have used when I started out, if the internet were available. I have yet to see a site that really addressed the nuts and bolts of beginning and none that have detailed initial experiences, including thoughts, concerns and actions. If I can do this successfully, I hope that new submissives and dominants everywhere will be safer when they understand what they want, how to seek it safely and when everyone understands what they need and what is reasonable to expect from their partners. It is sometimes difficult for eager participants to negotiate what they fantasize with what other human beings can actually and willingly provide. So can this blog be all things for all people? No, but maybe it will be useful to some and enjoyable to others.

Monday, April 19, 2010

First Time.

The first time I was ever with a submissive and had the good fortune to punish her did not develop or go as I had expected. When I speak with dominants or submissives now, they often tell me that their first experience involved a spanking playfully given for some fabricated misdeed. When I often imagined getting a young lady into the right situation I always imagine something similar. However, truth is stranger than fiction. After spending six years in my first serious, and in fact only relationship up until that time, I found myself on my own again. I have my own apartment in Brooklyn and had not asked anyone out since my first year of college. To make up for lost time I soon found myself dating two girls concurrently. One was an administrative assistant at a hospital and the other was a nurse at a different hospital. The administrative assistant I met through a friend and the nurse I met when she was caring for a family member in the hospital. The administrative assistant was a little older than me and the nurse was a little younger. I had met the administrative assistant first and then the nurse. I wasn't finding the administrative assistant as interesting as I thought I would which is why I pursued the nurse. However soon after I started dating the nurse I had the administrative assistant in my apartment and we were making out. I ran my hand through her beautiful blonde hair and it got caught up in her hairspray. I ended up pulling on her hair pretty hard. I didn't know what she was going to say but she just looked at me and said "you like it rough?” Then she smiled and said, “That’s okay.” And all I could do was smile and say “that's good.” We ended up spending the next several months in an extremely exciting D/s relationship that also involved a young girl friend of hers. But while I will be talking about her in later posts that is not the first time I wanted to talk about now, although technically she was my first time enjoying these particular things. That's because she was not as new to the scene as I was because she'd already figured out what she wanted and was pursuing it with her young friend. She just knew she wanted to involve a man and I consider myself fortunate that I came along then. I actually want to talk about the nurse because I was still very new to the scene and she hadn't tried anything yet. I had owned several leather bull whips for a few years constantly fantasizing about when I might get to use them. I had actually got them at a pretty well-stocked Halloween store one year. I think this may be one of the key reasons Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. Anyway, since I had just started whipping administrative assistant I decided I would like to have them at the ready and I hung them up as decorations on Halloween. Now, while the physical relationship with the administrative assistant was going great, the rest of the relationship was not nearly as good. We didn't have a lot in common and when she wasn't naked she had a hard time holding my interest. The nurse however, who I found equally attractive, was very interesting to me. But did we share the same interests? I needed to find out because I didn't want to continue dating both of them as it was getting awkward because they were both demanding more of my time. Though she wasn't particularly satisfying out of bed, if I couldn't get what I wanted elsewhere, I knew I was likely to settle down with the administrative assistant for a while. So I hung my whips up and waited to see what would happen. Sure enough, the nurse asked me about them. I explained that they were Halloween decorations, but of all my decorations I found those the most interesting and appealing. This didn't seem to phase her or disturb her in any way. I took that as a good sign. I don't remember all the details but I do remember that over the next couple of dates she would turn the conversation to those whips and what they could be used for. I explained that if she was difficult I could use them on her but that she probably couldn't take it. She quickly rose to the challenge and insisted that she could, and that in fact she could handle anything that I could dish out. We had that particular discussion on the train ride back to Brooklyn. Within a couple of hours she was tied face down and spread eagle to my bed and was being whipped across her butt for the very first time. As we laid together hours later, wrapped in each others arms, the scent of passion still lingering in the air without a hint of regret or remorse, I knew she and I were right for each other on so many levels. I broke it off with the administrative assistant. And though I had little experience beyond hers, so began the chapter in my life: The Training of Nurse M.

Figuring out who you are: Submissive, Slave, Painslut....

Finding yourself by exchanging power with a dominant will satisfy the inner longing you feel if you understand what it is that you need and are looking for. Some women desire a man to use them roughly, take pleasure from them and tell them what to do; in and /or out of bed. They like to submit...but they are not prepared to do this completely or all the time. By completely, I mean they may be willing to give up some control or take some punishment, but are very specific and vocal about their limits. For example, I have been with submissive women who would crawl around naked on a leash, lap water out of a dog dish on the floor under the beautiful glow of candle light---from a lit candle being held by their asshole, and they would clean my cock with their tongues after sex, and could take a fairly hard whipping when I punished them. However, they would refuse to clean my cock if we had anal sex even if I had checked myself and came out absolutely clean, and though they could tolerate a fairly hard whipping, if I caned them too hard, or paddled them too much in the same spot, they had no problem refusing to go on. These women were submissive but retained their own level of control and were comfortable setting their own limits. Then I have been with women who did not really draw any lines, but made it clear in discussions when we were not involved in any specific roles, that they did not wish to be harmed severely, but were leaving it up to me to do what I wanted but keep them relatively safe. The concept was that my care and feelings for them would protect them within the framework of my enjoying my desires and them living out their submission. These women would do everything mentioned above, but if I pulled my cock out of their asshole and brought it to their mouth, they would clean my clock, assuming I had check to make sure their health would not be compromised. If I beat their ass with a cane or paddle, they would take whatever I gave them, and rely on the fact that their screams and the shape of their skin would tell me when they could not go on. The second group of women were not only submissive, but were defined more in my opinion as slaves. Still, they were successful women pursuing their own goals in their lives so even then, all of these women would be described as sexual submissives and sex slaves. They did not wish to exchange power in any other ways or for 24/7. Then I have been with women that did everything the slaves did above, but wanted to be cared for and dominated, 24/7. They wanted to be kept, led and decisions made for them. I met 2 kinds of women like this. One group that really wanted this and one group that thought they dud, but then were always trying to assert what choices they would have made if it did not match the decision I made for us. I have enjoyed my time with all of these women, though the last group can be the most annoying because what they ant does not match what they claim they need. Nevertheless, given all of their submissive qualities they can be trained to exhibit their needs without asserting them in annoying ways. Then, finally, when it comes to punishment, I have been with two groups of women. The pain-slave and the pain-slut. The pain-slave is extremely submissive, for example, when we go to a restaurant, I have her sit at the table constantly rubbing her pussy through her pants, thus ensuring her thong is soaking wet. She wears a loose fitting shirt so the exceptionally tight biting nipple clamps would not be completely visible through it. Then I have her go to the bathroom, remove her thong and return to the table and lick the thong clean from her juices while passersby and waitstaff can see. If she falters in her licking I caress her breasts, twisting the clamps a bit in the process, reminding her of her place. The pain-slut on the other hand, has no desire to display her submission, or may not even desire much submission beyond what is required to serve the one who will be punishing her and their needs. However, when it comes to punishment both these types desire the same level of pain, which falls within a range that goes from severe to damaging. These types can tax the limits of a dominant if they are not into giving severe and possibly scarring punishment. At any of the extreme levels it becomes more difficult and more necessary to match submissive to dominant so you can both get what you want.
So, what kind of submissive are you?